Essay
I have several ideas why it is personal satisfaction and not money or fame that urges people to succeed. My belief is after you succeed in something you do you feel good about yourself, you feel as you just successfully completed your mission that you made for yourself and it makes you feel good inside. For example, after an actor wins an Academy Award, I think he does not think about money or fame but instead he or she feels as she is great at her job and it makes that person complete and happy inside. Another example are authors who usually never got famous or wealthy when they are alive, but its rather the personal feeling of fulfillment of happiness that inspires them to write great stories. Those are several reasons why I think its personal feeling and satisfaction and not fame and fortune that inspires people to succeed.
Why this essay received a score of 2
This essay offers a seriously limited point of view ("its personal feeling and satisfaction and not fame and fortune that inspires people to succeed") and demonstrates some critical thinking by supporting this position with several brief examples ("after an actor wins an Academy Award...authors who usually never get famous or wealthy") of situations in which "after you succeed in something you do you feel good about yourself." However, this evidence consists of general statements that are insufficient to support the writer's position ("I think he does not think about money or fame but instead he or she feels as she is great at her job and it makes that person complete and happy inside"). The response displays very little facility with language due to limited and repetitive vocabulary ("you feel good about yourself....you feel good inside..."). Consequently, to receive a higher score, this essay needs to exhibit more skillful facility in the use of language as well as demonstrate stronger critical thinking by providing additional focused and specific evidence that will adequately develop the point of view. This response demonstrates little mastery and remains at the 2 score point.
