Essay
Money and fame are nice but if you aren't satisfied with your personal goals and achievement, then the money and fame don't matter. Material things do not matter in the gist of life. People who are rich in one century are forgotten in the next. Mother Teresa accomplished more in a few years than most people do in a lifetime, even though she was not wealthy. If you are passionate for a cause, then the money and fame do not matter. Who remembers who the richest person in the world was in 1792? No one. However, I will always remember that in 1921, Susan B. Anthony fought for the right for a woman to vote but had enough passion about her cause that the rewards did not matter more than the accomplishment of her purpose.
Why this essay received a score of 3
This essay demonstrates developing mastery and some critical thinking by attempting to support the position that "Money and fame are nice but if you aren't satisfied with your personal goals and acheivement, then the money and fame don't matter." The writer limits focus to a central reason, "People who are rich in one century are forgotten in the next," and supports this reason using two examples that are specific, though undeveloped and therefore inadequate ("Mother Teresa accomplished more in a few years than most people do in a lifetime....I will always remember that in 1921, Susan B. Anthony fought for the right for a woman to vote"). Although the writer demonstrates developing facility in the use of language ("Who remembers who the richest person in the world was in 1792? No one. However, I will always remember that in 1921, Susan B. Anthony fought for the right for a woman to vote"), vocabulary is sometimes weak and repetitive ("then the money and fame don't matter...then the money and fame do not matter...that the rewards did not matter"). To merit a higher score, this essay needs to exhibit stronger critical thinking by providing further focused and detailed evidence to develop the point of view more effectively. Overall, this essay remains in the inadequate category, earning a score of 3.
