Essay
I have always believed in the proverbial saying, "It is better to give than to receive." I usually try to keep to this moral in everything I do. However, now it is getting harder and harder to accomplish as our society increasingly moves towards valuing money and fame more than anything. Although they might be difficult to uncover, people do accomplish things for personal gain not money. There are a many examples of people accomplishing deeds not for fame or money.
The first is in Charles Dickens famous novel A Christmas Story. In this well-known tale, Scrooge transforms from a once, greedy and crotchety old man into a benevolent a kind creature. This is seen at the end of the work when he donates food and gifts to the family of his employee.
Next is a modern day example. This is of professional hockey player, Mario Lemeiux. Mario Lemeiux does have fame and fortune but he utilized this to begin a charity in Pittsburgh to help cancer patients. Many times, Lemeiux has admitted that the greatest moments in his life did not occur on the ice but rather when he was at a hospice, set up through his charity. This is something Lemeiux did for happiness and fufillment not fame or fortune and he believes it to be better than all his moments on the ice.
As time progresses, there will always be people who do things for personal gain and those who do things for fame and fortune. However, I beleive, most people are like only agree with Lemieux and Scrooge who accomplish things for personal reasons not fame or fortune.
Why this essay received a score of 4
This competent essay develops the writer's point of view that, "Although they might be difficult to uncover, people do accomplish things for personal gain not money" and demonstrates competent critical thinking by using two adequate examples, of Dickens's' Scrooge and the hockey player Mario Lemieux, to support this point of view. Evidence provided, while not ample, is organized and focused, demonstrating some progression of ideas and coherence within each example. The writer exhibits adequate facility in the use of language ("Scrooge transforms from a once, greedy and crotchety old man into a benevolent a kind creature"), despite some inconsistency due to repetition ("people who do things for personal gain and those who do things for fame and fortune....Lemieux and Scrooge who accomplish things for personal reasons not fame or fortune"). The essay has some variety in sentence structure ("The first is in Charles Dickens famous novel A Christmas Story. In this well-known tale, Scrooge transforms from a once, greedy and crotchety old man into a benevolent a kind creature"). While this essay adequately develops the point of view, in order to more effectively develop the position and achieve a higher score, the essay needs to provide further insightful evidence, rather than simply offering the two "examples of people accomplishing deeds not for fame or money." This response receives a score of 4.
