Essay
Some people in the world today feel that they need to achieve a goal in order to receive fame and money. While others achieve a goal for their own satisfaction. I personally feel that you should achieve a goal for your own satisfaction and not for that of fame.
The most important thing about someone's life is to have a positive self-esteem. People need to not worry so much about what others think and just need to start concentrating on doing everything for themselves. Within my life I set a lot of goals from which I hope to achieve. One major goal is that of trying to drop my fifty meter freestyle time to twenty-five seconds. I work day in and day out on this and want to show myself I can do it. I don't care what others think about my goals. I want to do this for myself and not for fame or money.
A person should not feel the need for fame or money because if they achieve a lifetime goal they should just be happy with themselves. Think about it I mean, how long does money last? Is fame really worth anything? I don't think so. I mean, I know it would be nice to be recognized for doing something special or extraordinary but truthfully it won't help you. Fame may make your day or make you smile for a couple of days but when you really think about it, it won't make you happy for the rest of your life. Yet, if you do something for yourself and keep doing things for yourself you should always be happy with yourself.
Remember fame and money don't last forever but one's own happiness can last a lifetime and eternity. Therefore it is very obvious that the choice that should be made when trying to find motivation for a goal would be that of personal satisfaction rather than that of fame or money.
Why this essay received a score of 4
This essay develops the point of view that "you should achieve a goal for your own satisfaction and not for that of fame." The writer demonstrates competent critical thinking by presenting adequate evidence in a manner that demonstrates some progression of ideas from the short-term gain of "positive self-esteem," supported by a specific example from the writer's life ("One major goal is that of trying to drop my fifty meter freestyle time"), to the less specifically supported attainment of a "lifetime goal" with greater lasting value than money or fame. Facility in the use of language is evident ("Fame may make your day or make you smile for a couple of days but when you really think about it, it won't make you happy for the rest of your life") but inconsistent ("Yet, if you do something for yourself and keep doing things for yourself you should always be happy with yourself"). The essay exhibits some variety in sentence structure ("A person should not feel the need for fame or money because if they achieve a lifetime goal they should just be happy with themselves. Think about it I mean how long does money last? Is fame really worth anything?"). To merit a higher score, the essay needs to develop the point of view more insightfully and evenly by providing further detailed evidence as support. This essay demonstrates adequate mastery and receives a score of 4.
